I’ve been on my couch all night with my “I Voted” sticker on watching the numbers and they just called it. The demagogue Donald Trump was just elected as president of my beloved, gullible country.

My thoughts and feelings are all over the place.

I’m sad, deviated really. I’m so disappointed and disillusioned. I can’t believe that someone as blatantly racist, misogynistic, and unqualified for the presidency got elected.

I’m ready to put competition behind me and work to unite the country again, and Trump is just one man and I firmly believe that the US’s government is resilliant enough to weather a bad presidency (it has many times before) but what has me the most upset, what I’ve been weepy about all night is what I’ve learned about my country tonight.

I’ve learned that we haven’t socially progressed as much as I was under the impression we had.

I have learened that we are taking WAY more council from our fears than we should and that we’ve forgotten what “give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free” means or where it’s written.

I’ve learned that we are comfortable with our racism and will protect it at the expense of a lot of things, like our future and credibility with the world.

I have learned that we are a country of cowards and would rather elect a loud bully of a candidate that is literally endoresed by Nazis and the KKK than take him down for what he is.

I’ve learned that a good portion of my country thinks that being “great” only includes being white, US soil born, male, straight, and Christian.

But I think the most potent lesson I’ve learned today is how little my country thinks of it’s women. That it didn’t see fit to elect one, that it abided a hideous double standard when it came time to examine her qualifications, that it turned a blind eye to a candidate that not only has regularly committed sexual assault, he’s bragged about it and thought it was funny. That they’ve all silently nodded that they agree with him instead of throwing him out on the street where that kind of behavior belongs.

I am legitimately worried for my person, for my students, for my family, and for the future of my country.

I haven’t felt this way since the night my dad died. It’s a literal kind of nausea that feels like a punch in the gut that I know is going to last for a few weeks. I don’t know what’s next or if I’ll sleep tonight or at all for the next few years.

All I can do is pray and hope for a miracle and the ability to cope until it gets here.